Wednesday, 27 June 2012

When the tears want to speak...

I am reading Chicken Soup for the Soul right now.
Every line I read through makes me emotional. Reading stories about other people or animals brings tears.

Its funny how the brain works...

I dint cry when Aarav had pneumonia at 8 months of age and had to be xrayed and blood shots taken and he used to cry through the night, have difficulty breathing and fevers upto 104 and more...
No tears came for any fevers and coughs that Aarav has had, not even in the last few months when it could have created a huge problem.

I dint cry when my father-in-law passed away last year.
A gem of a person, a loving father, a guiding light. I still feel my heart ache, physically ache, even to remember that he's not with us anymore.
Not on seeing the funeral pyre.
Not on seeing his ashes leave us and find solace in the calm heart of the river..
I dint cry.

I dint cry when Aarav's hearing loss was found.
Excruciating pain. Anger. Betrayal. So many questions.
People say, if you do bad to others, karma brings it all back to you. Really?? How big would the magnitude of my 'bad' have to be for this to have happened to me??? What bad did my 1.5 yr old baby do??
"People" don't know anything.
And neither does karma.
Numerous discussions with myself, all in my head. On and on and on and on for hours and days and weeks at a stretch.
Still. Not a tear.

I dint cry even when my baby hugged me, asked for help and cried. Several times. For every pricked needle, for every forced test. That expression on his face gave me nightmares...
Still. No tears. I stayed strong.

I dint let tears come when insurance denied us money.
I stayed practical when I called up NGOs asking for assistance, and I still was ok when they too declined.
I still stayed sane, when the same NGO called me back few days later for another sick kid who needed money for some ailment. Inspite of the pinch, I reminded them of my situation, and told them I would pray for him. And on his stormy day, I did pray for him.

I stayed strong when we emptied our pockets and still had to beg and borrow money.

I dint cry when they took him from me in the operation theater for the surgery. He kept looking at me over the doctors shoulder, till the OT doors closed. I waved bye bye and blew a kiss.
I was sensible and practical and I knew I needed my energy. I remained strong.

I was scared but calm when Aarav fell on his face and bled his lip and cried himself to sleep.

Every time I look at my husband, I feel his eyes speak. Of the pain he has been through. Of the anger and frustration and helplessness.
How can a person be put through so much hell? Some plan god has...
Every time, a new problem, a new bitter surprise. And after every fall, still get up, face the next problem with the same renewed resolve??? Where does the strength come from??
And still through all that personal turmoil, Kaustubh was my strength, my support.
Would I cry??
Guess my tears knew where to find their answers. They just dint come.

I am strong. I don't let my emotions show. No matter what personal mess I am in, I still know to stay calm. I know how to control them. I dont let them control me. EVER. And that how I like it to be.

I seem to have created a transparent fence of "Its not a big deal, it is all just normal, and we are fine" around me. Thats exactly what I tell anyone who wants to know more. And I then add a big reassuring smile. Not because they don't care, but because I don't think I can take any random (useless-for-my-situation) advice.
Either that or I want to ward off people who seem to get their highs by telling tragic stories of how their "distant-relative's-office friend's-seventh sister's-neighbour's aunty" had the same problem. And how they tragically flushed themselves down the loo pot and wound up a vegetable.
Right, so spot on, on my situation you are, arent you??
geez people, if you don't know what to say in such a situation, just a nod is enough. Verbal diarrhea, (yes  diarrhea, the perfect word) spewed out nonsense is more annoying and damaging than the problem itself.

Even on my worst day, I can still find something funny.
I still find something to joke about, even when I look back at what my family has been through for the last few years.

I thought I had successfully developed immunity to these few human emotions.
And then today, suddenly, for no reason, after reading about complete strangers, tears welled up.

And it enraged me. And somewhere it amused me. The self made perception of "All is well always and I am ok" was about to shatter?? Through a irrelevant dumb book?? By reading stories of stranded puppies and kittens saved from burning houses??? Tears without my permission??

Maybe emotions and tears are like a long metallic spring. Fate has been keeping my spring under pressure for too long that now even the slightest toggle risks releasing its full potential??

Maybe, I still don't understand how my brain and heart works. I still work hard to keep them controlled but just sometimes, a single tear would not be that bad.

Every day I walk by the library and decide that I am returning the book. No mere book should be allowed to manipulate me so!! It simply has to go. And by the time I am about to enter, I change my mind.

I have walked that book upto the library doors so many times now. I really don't want it. It still walks back home with me. It sits on my desk and stares at me.
I can't read it and I can't keep it.

Confusing set of emotions we have..
Probably not all of my emotions are fully trained to follow my rules.. I still am human after all..

Good. I still am human.


4 comments:

  1. Wonderful post .. your writing moves me deeply ..

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Wonderful post honey.. But we both know :))

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  4. strange how your tears found a way after reading about strangers and mine found their's by reading your post.. wonder what to write.. but only thing that i'd like to say now is that you must continue writing this blog... may be not a traveler on same journey as yours, but i'l love to be a part of it..

    love you lots
    anagha

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